


When We Rise

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M, Some Fluff, baz being a little angsty emo, probably eighth year at Watford, simon being the oblivious stalker that he is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 13:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11060379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: okay. first off, I just wanted to apologize for how long this was. When I started this, I had no expectation of making it this long, but I had the worst case of word vomit that I've ever had. The words just kept on coming, and I had a really hard time pulling it all together at the end.I hope that despite the length, you guys all enjoyed it! like always, feedback is definitely welcome and I appreciate it more than all of you may know.anyway, thank you to all of you for reading this:)





	When We Rise

**_BAZ_ **

When I wake up, the room is dark, and the moonlight casts a faint shadow on the floor in stripes. I hear Snow's quiet snores from three feet away, and my stomach clenches.  
_No. Not today. You can't do this to me today_.

I don't think I'm able to do this tonight. I push the blankets off my body and pull on my coat, and quietly open the door. The air in the stone staircase is cold, and I shiver as I walk down the steps. I look behind me, out of habit, and when I see that Snow isn't behind me, I start to walk faster.

The cool breeze swishes around my ankles, and I slide my hand into my coat pocket to grab my wand. When I don't find it, I bite down a curse.  
_Damn it. I left it in my room_.  
I pull my coat tighter around my shoulders, and when I reach the door, I push it open and step outside.  
_I finally have space to think._  
Being in the same vicinity of Snow...  
Well. Let's just say that it's easy to burn when he's that close to me.  
I shake my head and it feels clearer.  
I don't know what I expect from him. I know that we're inevitably going to have to fight each other, but I don't want to. I don't see why we _have_ to.  
A sour feeling fills my stomach, and I sigh.  
I look around the campus, and when I see the old, familiar staircase of the Catacombs, an undeniable feeling of _pulling_ comes over me in a wave.  
When I reach the edge of the staircase, and I'm looking down into the dark, cold, hallway, it's all too easy to believe that I'm a mess.  
_I'm a monster. I'm a monster. I'm a monster_.  
My mother would know what to do. She always did. I remember her long, dark hair that felt like silk when it brushed up against me. Her eyes were the colour of burnt embers. Dark, but with a hint of gold-orange. A hint of _something more._  
She used to run her hand over my cheek when I was upset. I still remember her voice as if I heard it yesterday.  
_It's alright, little puff,_ she would say. _It'll be alright_.

It's selfish of me, but I wish that she didn't have to die so suddenly. People like her... they don't die like that. People like her make their dreams light up in flames. People like her are invincible. Unstoppable.

I needed her. And she left. _She left me here._  
I still think that I killed her.  
_She killed herself because I was Turned. She killed herself because of me._  
I guess I just think that she could've stayed here. I thought she was strong enough to do so. I can still remember the spell she used.

_Tyger, tyger, burning bright..._

I still have questions for her.

_Why did you leave me? Did you even love me at all? What did I mean to you? Was it my fault? Was it really my fault?_

_What did you want? Was I not enough for you to stay here?_

_Was I really that much of a burden for you?_  

Even though I already know the answers, it's strangely calming being able to pretend that I don't. 

When I catch myself thinking like this, it feels like I'm hanging onto nothing. Like I'm grasping at dead air.

It feels like I'm trying to hold onto something that can never exist.

When I think like this, I have to force the truth back into my lungs, back into my mind. So that I don't let myself drift away with wishful thinking. It's a sickening pleasure. 

_She's gone. She'll always be gone._

_She won't come back._

 

**_SIMON_ **

 

The sound of the door closing jars me awake, and I'm on my feet in a second.  
When I look at Baz's empty bed, my stomach clenches and my throat turns dry. Merlin, if the idiot keeps on waking me up like this, he's going to turn my sleeping patterns to shit.

I don't know why I keep on going after him like this. It's not like I _want_ to, it just... _happens_. 

When my eyes shift over to my wand on my bedside table, my stomach turns sour.

I contemplate taking it for a few seconds, but I decide not take it in the end. The last thing I need is casting a faulty spell. 

I walk down the old, stone staircase, and I drag my fingertips against the walls. The air smells like lavender, and everything is slightly glowing silver.

It feels like right now, the world doesn't expect anything from me.

It's a strange feeling. It makes me feel light and weightless, like I could do anything right now and the world would just skim over me and move onto the next thing. 

I reach the bottom of Mummers House, and I open the old, wooden door and step outside. The sky is dark blue, and the iridescent glow of the moonlight is more noticeable here. It coats the grass in a thin layer of sliver. Everything is brighter at Watford, more vibrant, more colourful. It makes me think that somehow, someway, there's a spell on the campus to make it seem more beautiful than it actually is. Everything here is more exaggerated. Not as real, yet real enough. 

My eyes skim over the buildings, and when they reach the staircase to the Catacombs, I feel my stomach drop.

Baz is standing there, with his back turned to me. His one hand is holding onto the stone doorframe, and the other is clenched in a loose fist at his side. His black hair falls over his shoulders in a dark curtain. I don't think he's noticed me yet. 

I take a small step forward, and of course, I hear a small cracking noise below my shoe. 

Baz's head snaps up and around, and his eyes are dark in the night. I swear that his eyes are glinting like a lion's right before they go for prey, and I feel the distinctive, familiar feeling to turn away.

I don't remember the last time I've seen him like this. It's unnerving. Unsettling. 

His hand falls away from the stone wall, and his face looks even paler in the glow of the moonlight. He looks out of place.

I take a step back, and he takes a step forward. 

I open my mouth to say something, but I don't. My throat goes dry, and I swallow.

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

Of course he decided to follow me. I don't know what else I would expect from him. He doesn't know how to only deal with this own business; he has to have a role in everyone else's. It's infuriating.

The silver of the moonlight makes his bronze curls turn lighter, and his blue eyes become even more bluer, more vibrant. My stomach drops. _For all the wrong reasons._

_I hate being weak. Damn you to hell and back, Simon Snow. Damn you to hell and back._

The blood in my veins goes cold, and Snow's shadow paints a dark silhouette on the stone wall behind him. He crosses his arms over his chest. 

I swallow, and smirk. Snow's mouth turns into a frown, and I slightly tilt my head at him. I don't have the energy or the desire to do this tonight. 

I give him a long, cool look, and turn around, beginning to walk down the stone steps. The walls smell like old water, and the steps are more slippery than usual.

I let myself take a glance backwards, and exhale when I don't see Snow behind me. Maybe he knows what's best for him after all.

I reach the bottom of the staircase, and by now, my skin is cold and a slight breeze runs through my hair. _I can finally breathe again._

My head looks left and right, and start walking towards the direction of my mother's tomb. 

My footfalls echo quietly on the stone floor, and I hear the faint scuttling of rat feet along the stones. I forgot how much I hate it down here.

 

 ** _SIMON_**  

 

When Baz gives me his infuriating smirk, my blood turns to fire in my veins. I know that I shouldn't follow him, but after what he did, I can't imagine _not_ going after him. 

I need to know what he's doing. I can't just let him get away. 

I begin to walk towards the staircase, and stop right at the edge. The stone corridor fades from a light silver colour from the moonlight to a pitch black about five steps down, and my blood goes cold. It's not like I haven't been down there before, but this time, it feels different. I don't have a good reason to go down. It's not like I normally do, but I normally don't think about that.

It's just not necessary for me to go down there this time. 

But when I saw Baz's face, when he turned around and gave me that look, a different emotion was clouding his dark eyes.

It wasn't as harsh as it normally is. It was vulnerability, disappointment, weakness, defeat.

He looked _defeated_. I don't want him to look that way. It isn't normal. It made my blood turn to ice in my veins and made my skin go cold. 

Baz isn't supposed to look that way. I don't want him to look like that.

Before I can change my mind, I take a glance behind me, look forward, and begin to walk slowly down the staircase.

After I reach the bottom, I look left and right. The torches that are lit along the walls make the stones glow a light orange colour, and I swallow, beginning to walk the way that I always do.

My feet are quiet on the stone floor, and I keep on glancing behind me. 

I know where I'm going, but it still doesn't make the decision any more acceptable. 

I force the thought from my mind and continue walking. 

_I need to find him. I need to find him. I need to find him._

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

When I reach my mother's tomb, I see the flowers in the holder beside the thick boulder that conceals me from her. It feels like miles even though it's only inches away. I haven't felt this separated from something in years, and it's unsettling.

I sit down on the cold stones, and lean my head against the wall, closing my eyes. 

After a few seconds of quiet, I hear a banging noise, and Snow's undeniable string of curses that's coming from his mouth. He sounds like he's getting closer. 

Well, maybe he's just asking for a disaster. I wouldn't put it past him.

He's a ticking time bomb that's just about to go off.

I hear his unsteady, faltering steps, and a second later, he appears around the corner. His curls are messed, and I already know that I can see him better than he can see me.

"Well, Snow," I say. "Looks like you've finally found me." 

He intakes a sharp breath, and he looks nervous. Merlin, I never thought I'd see the day. It's almost funny. I almost want to laugh, but I refrain from doing so when Snow walks up to me. 

"What are you doing here, Baz?" he asks, and I shake my head. He's so completely oblivious. 

I open my mouth, but no words come out. It seems like my vocal chords have decided to snap in half, and I bite down on my tongue. Snow's face is pulled into a frown, and I take a deep inhale. 

 _Please. For once, let me not be weak. Let me be strong for just one time._  

"It's my mother's tomb, Snow," I say quietly, and my voice sounds exhausted. Merlin, I just want him to leave. I just want him to let me have this one little piece of solace. I need to be alone. 

_I'm done. I'm done ruining your life, Simon. I'm done. I'm finally ready to stop this. I'm done playing these games with you._

He exhales, and his eyes grow concerned. He slowly drops down until he's at my eye level, and I haven't seen him this close to me in the eight years that I've known him. It's exhilarating. 

I swallow, and let out a heavy breath. I feel my eyes growing warmer, and they go blurry. 

Snow swallows, and he presses his lips together into a thin line. He looks nervous. 

"Are you okay, Baz?" he whispers, so incredibly quietly that I have to strain to hear it. 

_Am I okay? No. On so many levels, I'm not okay._

But will I let him know that? No. Not in a million years. 

 

**_SIMON_ **

 

Baz exhales, and he looks so vulnerable that it's killing me. 

I've never seen him look like this. Like he's covered in cracks, and I've only _just_  started to see them.

Baz isn't invincible. As much as I want him to be, he's not. But then again, no one is. Everyone is able to hurt. Even the people who I thought couldn't. 

He swallows, and wipes his eyes with the backs of his hands.

"Go away, Snow," he says hoarsely, and I shake my head. He's not getting rid of me that easily. 

"No, Baz. I'm not leaving," I say, and lean towards him slightly, putting my hands on his shoulders. His body is cold even through fabric of his coat. I haven't felt skin this cold before, and the unfamiliarness of it almost makes me want to pull away. 

"You can't get rid of me that easily," I whisper, and swallow. He lets out an exhale.

"It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not be okay," I say softly, repeating the sentence and looking at him. Every summer in the foster homes, those would be the words that would get me through it. 

At first, they didn't do anything. The words felt empty. Meaningless. But eventually, I realized that if I repeated them enough times, I was painted a false image that seemed true, but really wasn't. 

 

**_BAZ_ **

 

If only you knew what it felt like to not be okay, Simon. If only you _knew_. 

Because if you did, you wouldn't have anything to say to me. You would know.

_You would just know._

_You would know that I'm more broken than you may think._

_You would know that I'm not at all the person that you think I am._

****

**_SIMON_ **

 

I've never seen him this close to me, and the sudden decrease of distance between is filled with something that feels electric. I feel like I'm being filled up with something that turns my limits, my boundaries, into nothing. Into oblivion.

Baz coughs, and his hands grab my wrists so tightly that they start to ache. 

_We are so fucked up._

My eyes fall from his to his mouth, and I swallow. My heart feels like it's about to combust in my chest, and I feel electrified. It's a strange feeling, but I think that it could lead to _something more._ It feels like coming undone.

A thought comes into my head, and if I were a sane, normal person, I would shove it away, stand up, and leave Baz alone. 

But I'm not any of those things, and maybe it's time to finally accept that. Maybe it's finally time for me to let myself fall. 

Because when we fall, the only thing left for us to do is rise. And in the end, the rise is always worth the fall.

_It always is. Always._

I swallow, and without another sane thought, I press my mouth to his.

This, _this whole thing,_ feels electrifying. It feels like I'm full of flames and there's an infinity in my chest. 

His mouth is warm against mine, and it's causing all of my thoughts to just disappear out of my mind.

_When we fall down, we can all rise again._

It's okay to fall. Maybe, just maybe, it's okay to let myself finally go.

_It's possible to rise. It's possible to become something better._

And this, this feels like _rising_. It feels like coming up for air after spending years locked away from everything that I've ever wanted. 

It feels like being invincible. 

 

                            ~END~            

**Author's Note:**

> okay. first off, I just wanted to apologize for how long this was. When I started this, I had no expectation of making it this long, but I had the worst case of word vomit that I've ever had. The words just kept on coming, and I had a really hard time pulling it all together at the end.  
> I hope that despite the length, you guys all enjoyed it! like always, feedback is definitely welcome and I appreciate it more than all of you may know.  
> anyway, thank you to all of you for reading this:)


End file.
